Time moves slow alone Coffee-only blues, aching bones Sunburnt skin on Sunday shows that Wednesday I’ll be dealt a blow and by Friday I’ll be right back to the flame. Weeks measured in bags and bottles, leaving enough for tomorrow Can’t hold a useful thought without a breath of burnt remains Hours more to go Feel a need to bare my soul But on these matters I’m silent Cause it’s everything I’ve earned chasing the flame. I blazed this trail myself My legs feel heavy I could use less gravity It’s the only thing to lift I lose my grip, soon I’ll need another The moments that follow lead me back to the flame I start to see A cycle in the works All-or-nothing tests of character, pass/fail scale of worth Piling up every little fuck up I poorly over-explain Misrepresented, self-defeated I retreat, quell the rambling, fan the flame. I am ashamed, and it’s fitting Unprepared, as much unbalanced The room’s spinning So I’m sitting Taking stock of life Lists of excuses make up the bulk of it That doesn’t sit right It just might be Too much But then again, so what? Just like my kin No need to begin Just get settled in. Convinced that I can read between the lines Sure that I can change somebody’s mind Nothing worse than those that think they’re onto something when you’re not asking That might just be me, sometimes. Gotta hear this Try to play the real one You won’t get none It’s you they’re seeing through Everyone is you and you’re just everybody else to anyone. Don’t cut me off, make way, this ends today. Only gravity to lift Only, gravity can kill The choice is mine—tomorrow’s a long time Rise from the ashes My back to the flame It just might be Enough. But time moves slow alone

Youth is wasted on the young Arrogant, high, and high strung You need to consume, there is room beyond your baby blue walls bathed in TV light. Can’t get past the part where the architect’s laid with what mom and dad say. Some things can’t rearrange, the cell won’t obey. I’d rather spend my days in a daze with my friends than looking through this tired screen Either/or, I’m headed for a pointless end. You’re not gonna find any answers Thinking “could” without thinking you should. Just putting work off for later Thinking “would” when you know you should. But it’s not your fault how it all turned out You should have, would have, couldn’t bear the blame Cause your coulda-woulda-shoulda complex stayed strong all your days. Makes me think Is this life mine to make? Or am I doomed to make learned moves and never bend cause I’m afraid I might break? I’m not gonna find any answers Should have I would I stopped at thinking I could But it’s not my fault how my life turned out I don’t recall placing my bid in this game My default is to fold, I’m not sold on this cage Every room has its walls And they all feel the same.

I mark a difference A lack of neurotransmission Suddenly I find I’m feeling like I got no time I’ve got no time to lose. Misunderstanding Brain-reality barrier’s grown far too demanding Suddenly I find if I feel it inside it never really comes out quite right. What’s the deal? When I was younger, I felt more at ease. Now it all makes perfect sense so long as it doesn’t come from me. I’m seized by a vague and nagging disgrace I can’t keep track of the look on my face But I keep opening my mouth To hear back might bring some peace. She’s got her issues Too bad that the common one ain’t “I still miss you.” Suddenly I find I have no idea why I choose to hold on to feelings I can’t apply. Internal struggle Personal legacy in my own little bubble Suddenly I find I’m stalling on line just to be told I’ve been fooled, it slipped by. Idealization Might reach my destination if not for constant rumination Suddenly I find I’m taking this ride for reasons worse than just to fill the time. Ain’t no song that’ll even the score It stacks up until I’m sore and lame. What a thing to come to terms with Worry absorbs concern in the brain Forces a constant inward gaze And you’re caught in the haze.

Indignant and sorry at the same time I've come to find, for me, that's what love is I don't think about how--it's in the muscles by now The fight of my life, yet it's effortless

Looking out the window at the tree line Glimpses of street lights through the falling leaves The fluorescent bulb winces, like me I need to come down off this speed and get some sleep. I mostly toss and turn, but I drift off some Dream of my teeth falling out Finding strange people in my house I wake with a start, brush my gums a little harder than usual. Spit blood in the sink, stare into the mirror At the boils on my face, and it becomes clear I don’t know who that is, I must get back into bed right away I lay still, scan the ceiling with my eyes The light coming through the blinds slides around the room as the hours crawl by Listening to the autumn wind blowing fallen leaves. Looking forward to feeling unworthy Had to be there at 9:30 I finally get out of bed at five minutes to 10 And it could be worse But then again, there’s the feeling it’s not alright An activation of my fight or flight That beer can only silence for so long Thought I had this down, I was wrong. It happened again I felt alone, even with friends Couldn’t do what I intended with the day Life just wasn’t going my way So I caved. A cigarette for the drive Another one before going inside Looking out another window at another tree line. Keep asking myself, “My God, what have I done?” A bad brother, a worse son I put it on anyone but me But I’m committed to feeling guilty. Know in the back of my head, it’s just comfortable lies Just need to better fortify Or maybe run away, get a better disguise, change my name But avoidance is a boys game May have woken up in defeat But it won’t change chain smoking in this car seat. I figure it’s worth it to be uncertain You gotta get on with it some way There’s things to do, and you’re only 22 Everybody has to face their music This is just how yours plays With a shaky hand and not much melodic command I can’t turn leaves like the breeze can. Rehearsing my speech for when I have to reach out and beg forgiveness for how I’ve been lately For now, I’m running home The only place I can go to feel healthy When I was younger, thought I’d move to the city Travel far But I’ve only been to Canada, by car. I’m a wreck on lanky legs Keeping distance, dodging eyes And it cost a hefty price Pursuing the mighty paper slip Measured in cigarettes to lips At nine dollars a pack “How can you smoke these things?” the Wawa cashier asks. “American Spirits will make you want to quit” Guess we’ll see about that It wouldn’t be a bad idea For the sake of that boy who I saw in the mirror. In the meantime, one more for the night On the back porch under the yellow light Looking at the tree line Cycling through things that can’t and won’t be. Yeah, life’s real hard And there’s busy days ahead But then I’m thinking back before At the times I’ve had on this back porch with my best friends. I make like a leaf on the breeze And again, drift off into the memories That’s all I have, really.

I think myself a proper tragic figure A well made man of confidence slowly tearing at the seams Cast into the ocean, bound for and to no one A desire to meet the middle without regard for in between. I think the thought not worth to grasp if my head don’t hold it right Attention gives way to what I know But all I know is it ain’t nothing I don’t bring upon myself Names and faces may be new, but this game we play feels old. How can you expect to feel a change? The plans you fake, the moves you make, they’re all the same. Lamenting on your last mistake, you stumble unprepared and take your next fall All or nothing, it’s all on your time Self-pity is your real crime. It’s proven to be true, and it’s well deserved The only pattern present is a steady thought of you Assured the mileage would tune me out of that, but as it turns out— the opposite—frozen, folded up, turned from gold to black and blue. That’s how it goes, and it’s clear, there’s nothing for me there The reciprocal is laid comfortably and positively elsewhere But the borders are all relative Depending on the look of it There’s something that can’t be touched that makes the difference. Have I got it all wrong? Is it not worth the aggravation or the writing of a song? Further testament to my humiliation as I fall victim to my own imagination once again, cause after all This ain’t no temporary exercise in patience, nor a chance to make a change. The armistice is permanent, the fire that you try to stoke won’t rage. I’m left dancing with silhouettes in ignorance Dwelling on times too far gone to think significant: You, me, and the convenient harmony of everything else happening at once. Staring out to soundless dark I get half-drunk to calm my nerves, recall Helianthus. I forget about the grind Adapt my frame of mind The picture that I capture feels like all I keep behind the complex of the stubborn fool who gets in his own way to give an answer. The memories are starting to distort Losing their edges, they contort I can’t retort Every pull too hard Push too far Moment of apprehension Every misunderstanding paving way for awkward tension Every point missed but the kiss of your lips What was soft and secure grows more cold and unsure Thanks to every handle flown off And every sigh and scoff. A bit much, not enough, too late Is it wrong to crave the right? Is it not worth the pause so I can keep you in my sights? Helianthus is golden, and I wanna keep it there. At least as long as I can. Cause it’ll fade Yeah, it’ll fade With the rearrange, I’m sure that it’ll fade Like me and you Like you and him Like me and her Like everything It’ll fade. There’s no point, but here’s the song anyway. But then again, I see beyond the shore I’m crashing into A person has their own flow, something to show And they come and go seek a different fight. My song aims for truth, and it won’t keep you in my sights Helianthus is golden, and I’ve gotta let you go. If I may be so bold It makes a stronger, but takes a broken heart to come to know. I may have to tread until I go all numb, but I am willing to let the tide take me out again. The flood soaks to the bone, the salt stings, but I’m not drowning yet Helianthus